it's been long since you've been gone

I think that I overthought the whole blogging idea.  While I realize that my last post was made umm May 2nd, and I will still in Spain, still a junior in college, still thinking Johnny and I were super happy, and basically just alot of stuff that no longer applies.  In my defense I will say that I do have like four word documents saved in my hard drive of times I was going to post to my blog in efforts to catch up my readers, but I'm over that, at least I need to try and be.  Life is scattered and thoughts come and go, so here is my life right now and if your unsure of the last 5 months, well truth is, so am I. Instead I think that I will start focusing this blog on the sparatic, because contrary to the defenition, the term for me is constant. 

Today I was watching that movie where Ashton is the white boyfriend that Bernie Mac's daughter brings home and I started crying.  Yes, I do realize this isn't the usual movie that envokes crying, it's suppose to do the opposite even, as it's a comedy.  But there was the part where Ashton gives his little speech about finding his other half in his girlfriend and how now he can never be whole again without her.  I can't help but wish that Johnny watched this damn scene.  Truth is, just like the couple in the movie, Johnny and I are sooo completly different but together we make sense. All the sudden the attributes we don't have are there because we fill them in for eachother.  I know that without him I do feel like these are peices of me missing, and I know that he thinks the same. I just don't get how only feeling like 50% is something he can stand for, while I can barely stand up anymore.   Ugh I hate going on about him, us, our tragic romance, but I think it's because even though we aren't happy right now, I am still happy being in love with him.  Is that crazy?

With those lovey dovey thoughts also comes the negative though, so often, and that's what provokes the sparatic yet frequent crying tiffs.  I do a good job of saving face, because for the most part I can convince the onlooker and even myself sometimes that I am fine; that I am doing me, looking out for number one, and even "okay" with our situation, but its a lie. But I don't want it to be a lie.  I know that I cannot not focus on the absence of my guy, but I can focus on myself more, and in essence that should theoretically leave less time for thoughts of our tragic romance.  So I am going to start setting small  achievable goals for myself; ambitions of looking out for number one should I say.  So this week's goal: go to the gym 3 times.  That might not seem like much, but I barely ever go (bad, I know) but those 6 hours I spend at the gym are 6 hours I will be focusing on me and not use my energy on my thoughts of the guy. 

I know you can believe there is a ton of other stuff going on in my life right now, your right, but this enrty is what it is...done.